Empathy

A Google Search of the word EMPATHY turned up about 26,10,00,000 results in less than a second.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” said Maya Angelou

The pandemic has taught us that in order to have a compassionate world, empathy is important.

What is Empathy?

It is:

• the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference,
• to place oneself in another’s position or in their shoes.

Origin

The concept of empathy was first introduced in the mid-19th century – the German word “Einfühlung” to describe the “knowing” of a work of art from within, by feeling an emotional resonance with the work of art.

At the end of the 19^th century, the psychologist Theodore Lipps expanded this concept to mean “feeling one’s way into the experience of another”

The philosopher Martin Buber added deeper texture by describing an empathic relationship as humane respect and concern and contrasted it with unempathic disrespect of objectification and dehumanization of another person, which is in evidence too often today.

Can Empathy be Learnt?

In the past, empathy was considered an inborn trait that could not be taught, but research has proven that it is a learned skill that can be cultivated.

Over the last decade, neuroscientists have identified a 10-section “empathy circuit” in our brains that enhances our ability to understand what other people are feeling.

We are primed for empathy by strong attachment relationships in the first two years of life. But empathy doesn’t stop developing in childhood. We can nurture its growth throughout our lives.

How Can One Be Empathetic?

The way to be empathetic is to Be Mindful….to Be Perceptive…..Be Non-Judgmental…..Be Vulnerable

Be Perceptive

• Perceive Immersively by Listening
  • Listen with a genuine desire to understand
  • Listen without framing a response in your mind
  • Listen to what is said as well as what is not being said
  • L-I-S-T-E-N by being S-I-L-E-N-T

Be Non-Judgmental

• Overcome Biases by Understanding
• Withhold snap judgement
• Do not bring in past filters or prejudices or experiences
• Gain a deeper understanding of someone else’s perspective

Be Vulnerable

• Remove our mask to reveal our true feelings creates a strong empathic bond
• Exchange most important beliefs and experiences.

Why Empathy?

It provides an emotional bridge; enhances our innate capacities at building bonds; and enables sharing of experiences.

Empathy leads to replenishment and renewal of our human capacities.

It fortifies our social fabric and strengthens individual, community, national, and international bonds.

It can be used as a radical force for social transformation.

Empathy can be cultivated to improve the quality of our lives and that of others.

As the Dalai Lama said, “Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive”

Empathy will most likely flower on a collective scale if its seeds are planted in our children.  The world’s most effective empathy teaching program for children is the Roots of Empathy Program in Canada. This has improved their emotional intelligence & academic achievement and reduced playground bullying, significantly.

Companies too, can be ambitious with their empathetic thinking. In an era of rapid technological change, mastering empathy is the key business survival skill because it underpins successful teamwork and leadership. (Bill Drayton, the father of social entrepreneurship). His influential Ashoka Foundation has launched the Start Empathy initiative, which is taking its ideas to business leaders, politicians and educators worldwide. Our collaborative flair stems from empathy: the capacity to share, understand, and care about what others feel.

In a Divided World, We Need to Choose Empathy.

Empathy is a choice – a vulnerable choice. But, it is powerful.

It is like a muscle that we can build or leave to atrophy.

Are we working out our care muscles?

How empathetic are you?

If you would like to measure your Empathy Quotient, you can check it out at any one of these:

• https://psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient

60-item questionnaire, developed by Simon Baron-Cohen at the University of Cambridge.

• https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/empathy

28-item questionnaire that draws from three scientifically validated empathy scales: the Toronto Empathy Questionnaire (Nathan Spreng); the Interpersonal Reactivity Index (Mark Davis); and the Emotion Specific Empathy Questionnaire (Sally Olderbak)

Resources

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5513638/

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/in_a_divided_world_we_need_to_choose_empathy

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRSHUdict8E

Doing What Matters in Times of Stress – A Primer from WHO

We are in a situation like no other that we have experienced before.
How are we dealing with this?

Panic amidst the Pandemic.

Loneliness amidst the Lockdown.

The World Health Organization (WHO) has published a long, but easy-to-read illustrated guide on DOING WHAT MATTERS IN TIMES OF STRESS. This guide contains practical skills and exercises to help one cope (https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240003927)

Here are five skills to deal with stress, as recommended by WHO.

1. GROUNDING 

• Powerful thoughts and feelings are a natural part of stress.
• But problems can occur if we get “hooked” by our difficult thoughts and feelings
• We need to “ground ourselves” when our emotional storms appear.
• NOTICE how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
• SLOW DOWN and CONNECT with your body by pushing your feet into the floor, stretching and breathing
• REFOCUS on and ENGAGE with the world around you.
• Grounding does not make your emotional storms disappear. It just keeps you safe, until the storm passes.

2. UNHOOKING

• When we get hooked by difficult thoughts and feelings, instead of trying to push them away, you unhook yourself again.
• It is a new way of handling difficult thoughts and feelings.
• NOTICE that a difficult thought or feeling has hooked you. Realize that you are distracted by a difficult thought or feeling, and notice it with curiosity.
• Silently NAME the difficult thought or feeling that hooked you
• REFOCUS on what you are doing. Pay full attention to whoever is with you and whatever you are doing.

3. ACTING ON YOUR VALUES 

• Your values describe what kind of person you want to be; how you want to treat yourself and others and the world around you.
• CHOOSE VALUES that are most important to you.
• PICK one small way that you can act according to these values this week
  • What will you do?
  • What will you say?
  • How are you going to act?

4. BE KIND

• Everyone needs kindness.
• And if you are kind to yourself…you will have more energy to help others, and more motivation to be kind to others, so everyone benefits.
• Kindness goes both ways
• Unhook from unkind thoughts by NOTICING and NAMING them.
• RESPOND to others with kindness

5. MAKING ROOM

• Trying to push away difficult thoughts and feelings often does not work; instead, make room for them
• NOTICE the difficult thought or feeling with curiosity.
• NAME the difficult thought or feeling.
• MAKE ROOM for the thought. Instead of fighting with the thought or feeling, allow it to move through you, just like the weather moves through the sky.
• ENGAGE with the world around you and do things that are important to you.

Even in the face of tremendous adversity, one can find meaning and purpose.
Have a good week ahead!

This Too Will Pass

The world has changed. Shifted.

…Loss of normalcy.

…Fear of economic toll.

…Loss of connection.

…Loss of safety.

This is hitting us. Collectively.

With social distancing, we feel myriad emotions – deep loss, sadness, loneliness, and fear of the unknown.

Thanks to technology, we stay ‘virtually connected’ with colleagues, family and friends but how do we manage this scale of uncertainty.

The key in handling this is to keep moving forward through the various stages:

1. Denial – “This virus won’t affect us.”
2. Anger – “You’re making me stay home & taking away my activities.” 
3. Bargaining – “If I social distance for two weeks, everything will be better, right?”
4. Sadness – “I don’t know when this will end.”
5. Acceptance – “This is happening. I have to figure out how to proceed. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.” 

 David Kessler suggests a sixth stage to navigate this – Finding Meaning – in the book with the same name.

• Be Balanced
  • Find the balance in the things we think
  • Stop imagining the worst
  • Switch the worst image with a best image
• Be Mindful
  • Come into the present
  • Breathe
• Be Compassionate
  • Everyone has different levels of fear & anxiety and it manifests in different ways
  • Be understanding and patient.
• Be Grateful
  • There is so much to be thankful for if only we list them down.

This is temporary.

This too shall pass.

We will overcome.

#staysafe #stayhome

This Too Will Pass

The world has changed. Shifted.

…Loss of normalcy.

…Fear of economic toll.

…Loss of connection.

…Loss of safety.

This is hitting us. Collectively.

With social distancing, we feel myriad emotions – deep loss, sadness, loneliness, and fear of the unknown.

Thanks to technology, we stay ‘virtually connected’ with colleagues, family and friends but how do we manage this scale of uncertainty.

The key in handling this is to keep moving forward through the various stages:

1. Denial – “This virus won’t affect us.”
2. Anger – “You’re making me stay home & taking away my activities.” 
3. Bargaining – “If I social distance for two weeks, everything will be better, right?”
4. Sadness – “I don’t know when this will end.”
5. Acceptance – “This is happening. I have to figure out how to proceed. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.” 

 David Kessler suggests a sixth stage to navigate this – Finding Meaning – in the book with the same name.

• Be Balanced
• Find the balance in the things we think
• Stop imagining the worst
• Switch the worst image with a best image
• Be Mindful
• Come into the present
• Breathe
• Be Compassionate
• Everyone has different levels of fear & anxiety and it manifests in different ways
• Be understanding and patient.

•  Be Grateful

• There is so much to be thankful for if only we list them down.

This is temporary.

This too shall pass.

We will overcome.

#staysafe #stayhome

From Feedback to Feedforward…

Feedback has been considered as an essential skill – from manager to reportee (downward feedback) or from reportee to manager (upward feedback). However, the challenge with feedback is that it is static and in the past; not on the ‘infinite variety of opportunities that can happen in the future’.

If we flip the focus from the past to the future, we can make a huge difference in how the team can grow as professionals.

This concept, Feedforward, was originally development by Marshall Goldsmith, a management expert and author of bestseller ‘What Got You Here Won’t Get you There’, among others. (https://www.marshallgoldsmith.com)

In an exercise on feedforward, Goldsmith says that the participants found it fun and helpful as opposed to feedback which would be painful, embarrassing or uncomfortable.

• We can change the future; we cannot change the past
• It is more productive to help people learn to be “right”, rather than prove they were “wrong”
• People do not take feedforward as personally as feedback
• Feedback is normally associated with judgement; feedforward does not imply superiority of judgement

Goldsmith says that his intent is not ‘to imply that leaders should never give feedback’, but to show how ‘feedforward’ can be efficient, effective and enjoyable.

And the result is a dynamic, open organization.

Mindful Listening

Haven’t we sat through a meeting to only discover that we haven’t retained any of the information?

Are we guilty of listening passively, rather than actively?

Do we often hear rather than listen?

A little mindfulness in the way we listen can go a long way in retaining information and making our family, friends & colleagues feel heard.

Mindful listening involves “listening without judgment, criticism or interruption, while being aware of internal thoughts and reactions that may get in the way of people communicating with us effectively”.

Here are two methods of practicing Mindful Listening:

1. HEAR

• Halt — Halt whatever you are doing and offer your full attention.
• Enjoy — Enjoy a breath as you choose to receive whatever is being communicated to you—wanted or unwanted.
• Ask — Ask yourself if you really know what they mean and if you don’t, ask for clarification. Instead of making assumptions, bring openness and curiosity to the interaction. You might be surprised at what you discover.
• Reflect — Reflect back to them what you heard. This tells them that you were really listening.

2. RASA

In his TED Talk (https://youtu.be/cSohjlYQI2A), Julian Treasure gives us an easy acronym to improve our conscious listening.

• Receive – pay attention to the person
• Appreciate – making sounds of acknowledgement like “hmm,” “oh,” “OK”
• Summarize – the word “so” is very important in communication
• Ask – ask questions afterwards

Interestingly, the letters of the word LISTEN and SILENT are the same.

To listen mindfully, we need to silence our thoughts and words.

The next time we are talking to someone, let’s make sure to dive into the “essence of good conversations”.

Let’s listen actively, empathetically & mindfully.

In Honour Of Fathers

British Airways in honour of fathers, recently staffed an entire flight with fathers and children who were in its employ.

This unique flight – from London, Heathrow to San Diego was operated “entirely” by parent-child teams – from check-in crew to gate agents, operations managers, engineers and cabin crew and pilots

This one-of-a-kind trip was a sentimental and emotional moment for the fathers and their sons and daughters, not just to share a trip with their loved one, but also share their careers in aviation.

To all fathers, fathers-to-be, foster fathers, those who play the role of fathers in others’ lives and to mothers who father their children;  have a very meaningful and purposeful year ahead. Continue to discover and re-discover the joy in parenting!

Happiness Is In The Journey

Where does one find inspiration?

I find them everywhere around me.

Last week I found mine in Rafael Nadal.

At the post-match press conference after he had won his 12th title at Roland Garros, becoming the only tennis player, who had ever won the same tournament so many times, he was asked the usual question about whether Roger Federer’s all-time greatest haul of 20 Grand Slams was now in his horizon, given that he himself had just won his 18th.

Here is Nadal’s answer:

‘Being honest, I never complain myself much, and I never tried to think about it. Well, I either gonna catch Roger or not. But being honest, I am not very worried about this stuff, no?

 ‘It’s a motivation, but it’s not my obsession. If you ask me whether I would like it, of course. If that’s a goal in my career, no. It’s not what makes me get up every morning or go and train and play. It’s not the way in which I view the sport, and it’s not the way in which I consider my sports career. 

‘You can’t be frustrated all the time because the neighbour has a bigger house than you or a bigger TV or better garden. That’s not the way I see the life, you know.

‘And I just try to do my way. I feel very lucky about all the things that are happening to me. And if, at the end of my career, I am able to win a couple more Grand Slams and be closer to Roger, will be unbelievable. If not, for me, still unbelievable, no?

‘And today, the last thing I thought about was about this thing. For me, Roland Garros, feel myself enjoying on court. That’s the main thing, no?’

Happiness is in the joy of the journey. Let’s enjoy it.

BE STILL (Ps 46:10)

Our life is made up of moments.

Happy.

Sad.

Challenging.

Fulfilling.

Depressing.

Rewarding.

Our life is fast-paced.

Hurrying.

Hither.

Thither.

Amidst this fast paced life

Our moment-giver waits for us.

To simply be.

Be renewed by His Word

Be quiet with His grace

Be calm in His peace

Be still in His presence

To Be

In The Moment

With Him.

Have an amazing August

Humble. Human. Humane.

I was privileged to meet Suresh Narayanan, Chairman and Managing Director, Nestlé India (https://www.linkedin.com/in/suresh-narayanan-65582233) at the recently concluded NASSCOM HR Summit at Chennai.

A very powerful, yet humble, humane person, I found in him a true servant-leader.

He spoke on how Nestlé managed the Maggi Storm.

He gave us 10 principles that we can follow in our personal and professional lives.

1. There is opportunity in adversity
2. Do not be afraid of uncertainties
3. Teamwork and achievement will drive credibility
4. Always strive for ‘can do’ rather than ‘will try’
5. People are at the centre of everything we do
6. We live in a VUCA (Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity, Ambiguity) world – always keep Plan ‘B’ ready
7. Never lose your winning spirit
8. Keep your eyes on Reality, Reality, Reality
9. Constantly communicate – not less but more
10. Keep to your values. Be humble. Listen. Stay Connected. Above all, Be Human.